When they bring me to court and put me in front of a judge, with a jury full of ‘saints’, when they prosecute me for murder, I will plead guilty.

I will say I did it. 

My lawyer will pass out. He has never lost a case and I wouldn’t want to put him through the agony of listening to the prosecutor give true evidence against me. I know he will have promised you that he will get me out of this jam but I cannot do that to him.

When they ask you to testify, which they will, just do it. Tell them everything. Tell the whole truth and nothing but. I want you to testify against me because only then will they understand why I did it. 

Before you get defensive and say you won’t do it, remember I told you. I told you why. Ages ago. You just brushed it off. We were spending Easter at The Hilton. Everyone was there. We were having a blast until Billy showed up drunk. He insulted me. I was used to it so I let it pass but then he insulted you and I saw the hurt in your eyes and I couldn’t take it. I lunged at him, squeezed his throat. Lesley and Judy stopped me.

Do you remember what I told you later? I said, “It felt pretty darn good. If provoked I would do it again.” You took me to therapy and we forgot about it.

When they ask you what eventually made me snap? Just tell them. Billy made me snap. The therapist said I had a killer instinct. That’s not an instinct that is always right but the one that tells me to kill. I am sick you see. I need to be put away so as to not contaminate other people.

I will plead guilty because I don’t want you to suffer seeing me in trial. I know you will blame yourself.”Why didn’t I see it sooner? I could have stopped you from becoming what you are!” No. You couldn’t. It isn’t your fault. Some people will secretly blame you for the same thing. I will secretly want to kill them too. That’s why I can’t put you through that.

When they put me on death row, I need you to do me a favor. Tell them to search the backyard. All the bodies are there. What do they have in common? They hurt you.

But the backyard is filled with roses you say? Yes. All that time I spent gardening and planting roses for you, I was actually burying all the pain in your life.

P.S I love you ❤


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