Departure.

Give me an audience

I beg you

I want your audience

I need you

To hear me

Like I need the sun in the morning

To give me light

To shine a light in my dark life

To illuminate my dark insides

My dark thoughts that arose

After your unexplained departure.

I need you

To let me know

Was it my flaws that let you 

Let me go?

That you couldn’t go to war anymore?

To fight for you and me and our

Forevermore?

But

You turned me down

Time after time after time

Slammed the door on my face

Made me feel damned,

Wretched, a disgrace

Unworthy to claim a place

In your heart.

So I Left

Locked myself in a room

As dark as my thoughts

And I looked for a way out

A way up

I slit my wrists and I bled  -Words

These words you denied me then

And I grew lighter

And lighter

Rose higher 

And higher

Felt a great euphoria

I bled till I ran out of thoughts

These dark thoughts of you

That arose

After your departure.

By  TheQueerPoet ✌
According to me, this poem is about seeking closure after a major unexpected change has occurred in a person’s life. I am a big believer in the role closure plays in moving  on but sometimes, we can’t be given closure. We have to get it on our own and move on.

What do you guys think this ‘poem’ (I hope it can be classified that way) is about? Let me know in the comments ☺

Awesome weekend peeps☺

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9 of my favorite songs right now.


My taste in music is very out there but it is undeniably awesome (I am not even bragging you guys, honest😅). 

These songs are what I am playing on repeat on my phone at the moment. Like, if a little birdy revealed to me that the world was ending in a few hours, I’d like to go out jamming to these 9 bad boys.

Why 9? It’s my lucky number, xx.

1. Thinking of you – Mabel.

Currently my ringtone and favorite song✌

Why: She’s my age, a newcomer on the UK RnB scene, with a great sense of fashion and with bomb vocals I swear! I heard her on the radio earlier this year and thought it was Miss Karun from Camp Mulla (remember them?) She is just my favorite right now!

2. Drink up – Train.

Why: Train are still relevant after all these years! Still making great music. Their new album is called A girl, a bottle and a boat. This song is just a perfect song to help you live in the moment.

3. Unforgetable – French Montana ft. Swae Lee.

Why: Jungle Rules😍 You cannot not love this song to be honest. 

4. Feel it still – Portugal.The man.

Why: This song is the funkiest jam I’ve heard this year. I had never heard of these guys before(they’re an alternative rock band) but this song made me a fan from the moment I heard it. Makes me want to be a rebel honestly,lol.

 5. Angels – Chance The Rapper ft. Saba.

Why: Chance The Rapper just gives the happiest vibes through his music and this song is my favorite from his album Coloring Book. The same way he feels about hus city in this song is also how I feel about Nairobi❤

 6. Thunder – Imagine Dragons.

Why: Their comeback album Evolve is just super uplifting. This is my favorite song so far.

 7. Wild thoughts – DJ Khaled, Rihanna ft. Bryson Tiller.

Why: I think this is the sexiest song I have heard so far this year. DJ Khaled always comes through. I want to ‘relearn’ how to dance so I can dance to this jam! Also, Bryson Tiller❤😍❤

 8. There’s nothing holding me back – Shawn Mendez.

Why:  Great vibez about having no fear. This jam is just everything I stand for, xx. His second album Illuminate is the bomb BTW, every song! Very grown. 

  9. Perfect places – Lorde.

Why: I have been a Lorde fan since day one and her new album Melodrama is bomb! This song, released last week, is awesome✌

These are my favorites at the moment, maybe next month I’ll find some other songs to obsess over 😂

What are you jamming to currently? Let me know in the comments😃 I’d like to add more great songs to my playlist.

Have a great weekend guys, x.

Fire Child.
She is fierce

She is a child of the fire

Clothed in the warmth of the sun and the heat of it’s flames

She walks the earth 

She scorches the earth

Her feet leave smoking prints as she trudges on

She wanders

She walks the desert day and night – illuminating

Brighter than the sun itself, brighter than the moon

She lights the way for her own children as her mother – sun, lit hers

She is a child of the fire

She is fierce.


Conversations with my alter ego.

What you’re about to read is sort of an interview. A dialogue. A conversation between my alter ego(Queer) and I(Tess). It is just a page from my weird imagination in an attempt to know what happiness really is. If you get confused, don’t worry, it happens to many people when they try to decipher a way through the maze in my head☺
T: What is happiness to you?

Q: Happiness? 

Um, wearing a clean bra☺

Being gifted happy socks on any occasion, blisssss.

Eating ugali and omena and it’s not even my birthday, wtf ily!

T: Let’s be realistic here for a moment.

Q: And what’s nonrealistic about hygiene and multicolored socks and favorite meals? They seem pretty real to me.

T: Okay then. What “psychological” things make you happy?

Q: What’s with the air quotes? Well, not constantly over thinking about stuff would make me happy.

T: So you’re saying you are an over thinker?

Q: No. You’re the over thinker. I like to sit in the background, pour myself a glass of sangria and watch the proceedings. You can be quite a skeptic sometimes.

T: Back to the happiness bit. What makes you happy that isn’t vanity?

Q: Well when you put it that way…hmm.

I would say the little things in life really. A great panorama, moments I’m alone with my thoughts and we’re not over thinking, deep conversations with people ow, like that guy you like, what’s his name?

T: We can’t say that here!

Q: Oh shit! My apologies. But why not Tess? A blog’s purpose is self expression, isn’t it?

T: It is but that’s not why we’re here. And nobody cares about stuff like that Queer. You were saying?

Q: Ah yes. Being somewhere with my people, kicking it, listening to some great music, discussing our big dreams and sharing plans for megalomania. That makes me happy. 

Living in the moment, you know? Cuddling. Taking long reflective walks. When I write something awesome, that feeling is everything Tess.

T: Who are “your people”?

Q: Again with the air quotes…Weirdos like me are my people.

Also “non-weirdos” who get me. That’s how to properly use air quotes BTW.

T: What about family?

Q: What about them?

T: How do you relate happiness with family?

Q: If my mum is happy, I’m happy. If my family is happy, then I’m happy.

T: So what is happiness to you?

Q: Um, happiness is not one thing Tess. I can’t put one thing in a box and label it happiness. That’s just sad. Happiness is many different things which can only be put in a large space where it is free to burst out into different colors, bounce off walls, hang from the light bulb, play with the light switch, bang the doors, break some windows, draw on the white walls with crayons, rearrange the furniture, sing out loud, cry like a baby, stare in awe, wave frantically out the window at passers-by, do some cartwheels, run around in circles and sit down peacefully. That’s just it. It’s many things,some of which we have never heard of in our entire lives. Happiness to me is many things. You get?

T: Um.Wow. If I didn’t know better, I would say you just described a crazy person in an asylum. 

Q: I’m glad you know better Tess. So what about you? What is happiness to you?

T: Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. We are the same person after all ,aren’t we?

Q: I like it when we’re on the same page☺

(Q-Queer. T-Tess.) Why I have an alter ego is a story for another day. What is happiness to you though? Let me know in the comments.

Nice weekend peeps✌

Conversations with my alter ego.

Uploading…
What you’re about to read is sort of an interview. A dialogue. A conversation between my alter ego(Queer) and I(Tess). It is just a page from my weird imagination in an attempt to know what happiness really is. If you get confused, don’t worry, it happens to many people when they try to decipher a way through the maze in my head☺
T: What is happiness to you?

Q: Happiness? 

Um, wearing a clean bra☺

Being gifted happy socks on any occasion, blisssss.

Eating ugali and omena and it’s not even my birthday, wtf ily!

T: Let’s be realistic here for a moment.

Q: And what’s nonrealistic about hygiene and multicolored socks and favorite meals? They seem pretty real to me.

T: Okay then. What “psychological” things make you happy?

Q: What’s with the air quotes? Well, not constantly over thinking about stuff would make me happy.

T: So you’re saying you are an over thinker?

Q: No. You’re the over thinker. I like to sit in the background, pour myself a glass of sangria and watch the proceedings. You can be quite a skeptic sometimes.

T: Back to the happiness bit. What makes you happy that isn’t vanity?

Q: Well when you put it that way…hmm.

I would say the little things in life really. A great panorama, moments I’m alone with my thoughts and we’re not over thinking, deep conversations with people ow, like that guy you like, what’s his name?

T: We can’t say that here!

Q: Oh shit! My apologies. But why not Tess? A blog’s purpose is self expression, isn’t it?

T: It is but that’s not why we’re here. And nobody cares about stuff like that Queer. You were saying?

Q: Ah yes. Being somewhere with my people, kicking it, listening to some great music, discussing our big dreams and sharing plans for megalomania. That makes me happy. 

Living in the moment, you know? Cuddling. Taking long reflective walks. When I write something awesome, that feeling is everything Tess.

T: Who are “your people”?

Q: Again with the air quotes…Weirdos like me are my people.

Also “non-weirdos” who get me. That’s how to properly use air quotes BTW.

T: What about family?

Q: What about them?

T: How do you relate happiness with family?

Q: If my mum is happy, I’m happy. If my family is happy, then I’m happy.

T: So what is happiness to you?

Q: Um, happiness is not one thing Tess. I can’t put one thing in a box and label it happiness. That’s just sad. Happiness is many different things which can only be put in a large space where it is free to burst out into different colors, bounce off walls, hang from the light bulb, play with the light switch, bang the doors, break some windows, draw on the white walls with crayons, rearrange the furniture, sing out loud, cry like a baby, stare in awe, wave frantically out the window at passers-by, do some cartwheels, run around in circles and sit down peacefully. That’s just it. It’s many things,some of which we have never heard of in our entire lives. Happiness to me is many things. You get?

T: Um.Wow. If I didn’t know better, I would say you just described a crazy person in an asylum. 

Q: I’m glad you know better Tess. So what about you? What is happiness to you?

T: Whatever makes you happy makes me happy. We are the same person after all ,aren’t we?

Q: I like it when we’re on the same page☺

(Q-Queer. T-Tess.) Why I have an alter ego is a story for another day. What is happiness to you though? Let me know in the comments.

Nice weekend peeps✌

Gallery

Leo.

His name is Leo. He is in my Psych class. I like to pronounce his name in Swahili; today. 

Today. Now. The present. 

I would like him to be part of my present and my future. Sometimes I lay awake in bed at night and lie to myself that I’ll do it today. 

I pick up the phone, dial his number and say ,”Leo ni leo. Today I’ll let him know. Today I’ll tell him who I am. Asemaye kesho ni mwongo.” 

Of course I’m the liar because I never pull it off.  I never press the call button. I lie to myself everyday and I cower into the darkness yet again.

I dream of him sometimes. I can’t tell him that though. What would he think? We barely know each other. Actually , he doesn’t know me at all. I might as well be a spec of dust on the lenses of his glasses.

It doesn’t keep me from dreaming about him though.

I bet his laugh is the most beautiful sound I would ever hear. I would love to listen to him laugh at my bad jokes, again and again.

I wonder if his afro is as soft as it looks. It looks like a puffy black cloud. One that brings rain and  keeps us inside all day, to cuddle.

And his touch. What would that feel like? His hands are callused. Does he play an instrument or practice an art at his free time? Can he hold me in his arms like a Spanish guitar?

At this point, I feel like a stalker. I should stop before I become obsessed. 

Maybe he hates animals. Maybe he wears neon pink knickers. Maybe he is one of those people who are allergic to avocados (gasp!) . This is my way of unwinding myself from this downward spiral of obsession I’m heading into. 

But just when I’m starting to get over this feeling, just when I’m starting to put my mind into other things, the unexpected happens.

Planets align, the universe conspires to give me hope and fate sprinkles some fairy dust on us. Today, we made eye contact. It was slight but I felt a tug in my tummy. 

“It was probably nothing, just pure coincidence,” I think to myself. But at lunch time, he heads my way, sits next to me and says, “Hey Hannah. I hope you don’t mind me joining you today?”

Today, I found out he actually knows who I am.

~TheQueerPoet~

(Do you guys believe in fate by the way? I’m really curious to know. Let me know in the comments?:D)

With Victor.

I was feeling restless on Sunday night so I stepped out for some air. It was one of those chilly Eldoret nights with no clouds and plenty stars to stare at. I love these nights. They bring out the weirdo in me, like a full moon does a werewolf. So I took my weird self for a walk outside.

Victor saw me as I was leaving the compound and he followed me outside. We stood right outside the gate, along the murram road. Trees were rustling in the wind. It was slightly dark outside and all I could see were vague silhouettes of people passing by. Even on a Sunday night people are rushing up and down.

Victor and I just stood there staring at these busy humans. I was wearing this long pale green jacket I usually sleep in. I could only imagine how I looked in the dark. Awkward, suspicious maybe. This elderly woman with a flashlight passed me and slowed down to look at Victor and I. She was so close I could smell her. She smelled like chapatis. Seriously. She is probably one of those people who cook chapatis on Sundays. I know these people exist because my mum was not one of them. She would make us eat ugali and murenda on Sunday as my neighbors cooked chapos. Anyways, she shone her flashlight at me, then Victor, then walked away mumbling incoherent things. I giggled and looked at Victor. He looked at me and seemed to shrug. We probably had the same thought about that lady. 

I was wearing my glasses so the night looked as clear as day. Victor saw it before I did so he signaled me. “A bird? No, birds aren’t nocturnal.” It was a bat! Blind, winged, fanged mammal, known to be a carrier of rabies. It was flying my way. I couldn’t move. Not out of fright, just out of laziness. I didn’t want to move and disrupt the sense of oneness with the earth I had cultivated but eventually I ducked right at the last minute. Victor gave me a look that said,”SMH.”

More people pass and stare. All sorts of silhouettes of people. I swear I saw a man smoking a pipe pass by. Then this man who was going down the murram road stopped in his tracks and stared at us for close to 5minutes. We practically eyeballed each other. Then he started walking towards us. I couldn’t move again. This time out of fright and realization. I should have known a night like that brought out weirdos far worse than me. Crazies, psychos,…..serial killers  o_O  And my companion is a passive aggressive K9.

“The two of you paint quite a picture. The dark background, the stary sky. You could fill a canvas,” he said as he walked towards us.

Victor was on edge. He stood up and got ready for whatever was to happen next. 

“Um, thank you. I didn’t realize,” I said, trying to conceal my fright.

“What’s his name?”

“Victor.”

“It suits him,” he said and walked away. I think even Victor breathed a sigh of relief. 

I thought it was high time I went back inside. Victor looked like he wasn’t ready to go. As I walked back inside, I looked back at Victor. He was staring up the road at something. He set off at a trot and all I saw was his chopped tail, like a bunny’s, disappear into the darkness.

I shut the gate and walked towards the house, thinking of the strange man and what he said about Victor and I. He is probably an artist. 

We did make quite the picture , a girl and a dog standing in the darkness.

Ps: Happy birthday to Muthoni Maina♥ Lol( yaani Lots of love) brother,ha♥